Identity disorder

A sense of identity and a sense of who we are as beings, who inhabit this body that roams earth, for no matter how long, is a lifelong struggle that persists daily.

Individuality begins and end within and at ourselves.

We look to others, things and places that help instill this, as we are often the results of our environments, inputs and experiences.

But at the end of the day, we choose what molds our character, beliefs, and outlook.

Identity is one in the same, and it is founded on these principles of what we hold near to our core.

Then identity could be tied hand in hand with groups we are associated with, belong to and feel a sense of common interest in.

Especially when, these groupings or organizations we’re apart of are bigger than us, as in the collective identity has a common mission, or purpose that is composed of us as the individuals.

When these things, albeit outside of ourselves, are stripped from us, it could then make sense as to why we feel disoriented as our identities and our perceived sense of self becomes disillusioned.

What has once gravitated towards us, accepted us as one of their own regardless of our faults and shortcomings, and possibly even needed us, now has no acknowledgment to our being.

And worse is when we might not be accepting of this, and we feel out of place or unwelcome, though we know we oughta move on.

Such is a place a lot of veterans I think find themselves once their service ends.

When I enlisted and went to Marine Corps bootcamp, until my service ended, this is who I was.

Up until this point in my life, I was always known as being a Marine. Whether I was out in town off base, home on leave, that’s who I was, and that’s what I was always introduced as by others if I was meeting new people; “Here’s Pete, he’s a Marine”, as I’m sure many of you can relate.

But even more importantly, my existence was fully immersed in the Marine Corps. You live, eat, sleep, breathe it.

Your whole existence, your whole purpose and your whole identity, is the Marine Corps.

And admittedly, as I got out, my identity and sense of self suffered. Who am I now? What am I supposed to do?

I had “plans” like everyone else does when ending their time in service, but would any of these come to fruition? More importantly, are they things I actually wanted to see through?

Everything else in your life, family, friends, leisure time, personal preferences and wants, is all secondary and tertiary, on the back-burner. The Marine Corps will always come first no matter what. That’s the way it is.

It’s an existence so foreign and unfamiliar to everyone else.

Ever been asked the question “What’s a typical day like in the Marines?” Only to be left standing there having no idea how to respond?

It’s because it’s exactly that; it’s a way of life so vastly different, oftentimes bizarre and non-sensical that you don’t know how to even begin to answer in a way that would be logical for someone outside of our community to comprehend what it’s really like.

There’s moments where I think back to during my time in, and I look back upon it through a lens like it was all just a strange fever dream that existed in some alter-universe or reality, because it just really is that much different compared to what we deem as a life that most of us live in modern society.

Through this anomalous life experience, tangled with your entire essence as a person entrenched in a world so contrasting with the one most people live, it’s no wonder many struggle to get out of service and adjust to normality.

One day, as your time in service is up, in the blink of an eye that identity is stripped away from you and gone.

All you know, all you’ve done, all you’ve experienced and gone through, no more a reality than it is now just memory.

“That’s it?”

That’s it.

Feelings of fleetingness ensue.

Things we endure, experience and suffer through that ultimately make us who we are as a person and that form our character, can only be looked back on through a lens of distant memory, as vague as dreams that happen in our sleep. Reinforcing the fact that time is a force that passes us by like a wind; it happens, it moves on without us, and such is the way of this thing we call life.

We as humans will always naturally gravitate towards what feels familiar and safe to us.

Even if it could be harmful and condemning to our being; it takes a great deal of self-actualization to recognize when something we once called home, a safety net, or a buffer in space of normality, no longer serves our needs, or no longer welcomes us with open arms.

Unfortunately, I think this is a huge reason why veterans struggle so much post-service, and could be logical to point the finger in why the veteran suicide rate is at all time atrocious rates.

Their body is in one place, mind and identity in another.

Their physical and bodily reality has moved on, but their identical reality still roams in a place that no longer welcomes them.

And instead of committing self-destruction to their identity, to truly move on and find a new path to embark on,

They commit self-destruction to their bodies, which ultimately could end with their lives coming to a shortened-noticed abrupt ending.

It is crucial for us veterans getting out to find something to pour our soul, blood and tears into when we’re out, something that requires a familiar feeling of amount of service and feeling of impact to what we did.

Whatever that thing is, is up for us to decide.

It will probably be challenging, hard to find, and something you will need to dig deep to look for, yet it will be worth it as we transcend and evolve our identities.

Like it or not, the military and whatever branch of military service you were with will move on without you, just as it did before you joined and before you were ever born.

I may come across as trying to denounce your service, but this isn’t my intent. Be proud of what you did, acknowledge your service, have pride when those thank you for that service.

Go out and connect with other vets, be cool and reminisce when you want.

(All I ask is you please ditch the typical bro-veteran attire)

Being a veteran is important, but it’s not the only thing that defines you.

Carry it with pride, yet know it is only a part of your whole story.

Keep going, and keep seeking yourself beyond the service.